When is a chicken not a chicken?

Anyone who keeps chickens knows what intelligent, cheeky and individual creatures they are.  Nothing to do with the sad imprisoned birds killed at less than six weeks old, a billion a year in the UK, to recycle into fast food.  So when we lived on Dartmoor with plenty of space, we decided to keep some hens.

We read the guides to keeping chickens and learnt that we must have a hen house with a pop-hole entrance and straw-lined nesting boxes.  We must choose what breed we wanted; rare breed chickens come in all sorts of beautiful colours. First get the hens, as a cockerel is not a necessity (although the hens may disagree with that).

Nearby in Hatherleigh was a wonderful traditional livestock market (sadly no more) which had a weekly poultry auction, always well attended.  Inside the large shed it was bedlam, chicken crates everywhere, a deafening tannoy blasting the auctioneer's high-speed patter over all the chatter and crowing as his three-fingered assistant opened cages in turn, waving startled birds above his head.  The ancient farmers were even more interesting than the chickens, relics of a former age, wellies caked in slurry, threadbare gaberdine raincoats tied up with baler twine, and weather-beaten faces untouched by soap and water, often with ears that would have made an elephant envious. This was glorious old Devon, long since gone.

We wandered round in our ignorance peering into cages.  Chickens are often sold in threes, two hens and a cockerel.  But everyone is always keen to get rid of their unwanted cockerels, so we learnt the old tricks like putting three young cockerels into a cage with a couple of eggs under them to catch out gullible newcomers.  One bird caught our eye, alone in a cage, the most handsome chap in the auction with beautiful dark speckled plumage and we kept returning to look at him.  But the auctioneer received no bids for him and passed on. 

As the sale finished we looked again, and a farmer came over, 'Ya like 'e don't ya?' 'Um, well yes he's very handsome'.  'Why don't ya take 'e.  I come 'ere today wanting five pounds for 'e, but ya give me four and ya can have 'e'.  'But we haven't got a chicken house yet.'  'Ya got a garage 'aven't ya?'  'Well yes.'  'That be fine for 'e'.  'But he needs something to roost on.'  'Ya got a broomstick?'  'Well yes. But we've got nothing to take him home in'.  'I got a cardboard box, perfect for 'e.'  It seems we had just bought a cockerel... what suckers!  The farmer must have chortled all the way home.  But he was a magnificent bird.

We named him Wellington after the Iron Duke and discovered he was a Speckled Sussex, a very old breed traced to Roman times.  We also later discovered that he was sterile.  More chortling from the farmer!  So our chicken history had started, just as it shouldn't.  Eventually we built up a flock of a dozen Speckled Sussex, and later added six white Indian Runner Ducks and six black Cayugas, for whom we dug a large pond in another paddock.

Hens occasionally go broody, so need to sit on eggs for 21 days to hatch them.  Lots of risks there, they are often clumsy and break them, they steal each other's eggs, and hens can even die of hunger and thirst unless forced to leave the nesting box from time to time.  So in the end we learnt to sneak to the henhouse during the night, take out her eggs and slip a couple of day old chicks under her wing.  In the morning triumphant squawking. 'A miracle!'

The ducks also gave us eggs in late spring and summer, but they were hopeless mothers and after sitting for a few days would say, 'I'm bored of this game, I'm going back on the pond'.  So one day we popped a Runner Duck egg under a broody hen.  They take a week longer than hens eggs to incubate as ducklings are a lot bigger.  When they hatch they seem enormous and far too big for the shell they have just broken out of, whereas chicks look as if they could be folded up and put back in the shell.  So within a few days her duckling was far too big for her to sit on, and while her chicks were all cosy under their mum's wing, the duckling would sit beside her with just his head under her!  But the danger is that whatever a duckling or chick first sees is 'imprinted' on it, and is accepted as its mother.  So our duckling thought he was a chicken!

This was amusing to begin with, but when he was an adult he started trying to mate with the hens who were seriously unimpressed.  He couldn't understand the rejection.  We decided he must learn to be a duck, and so carried him over to the duck house.  'What are those hideous creatures?' he screamed and ran for his life.  We thought that when he discovered the pond he would be overjoyed, so we lowered him gently into the water.  'Now they're trying to drown me.  Help!  Mum!  I'm off.'  And he ran for his life over a bank, across our carpark, round the cottage and under a gate, back to his mum. 

We tried several times, but impossible.  It taught us that you should never mess around with Nature.  But unfortunately that is precisely what Mankind has been doing for years, arrogant enough to think we can manage the world we live in, control its wildlife, crossbreed its crops and animals to suit our desires, spreading fertilisers and herbicides.   Look at the mess we are in now.  It doesn't work. 

The hilarious drawing at the top of this blog is one of the sketches drawn on the spot by my wife Mo who also did the wonderful illustrations for my book Walks on the Wild Side, about my lengthy treks in East Africa.  The book is worth having a look at for her drawings alone.

Anyway, the answer to the riddle in the blog title is obviously:  When it's a duck!

Our wonderful NHS

May 8th 2020 was the VE Day 75th anniversary.  An epic event.   In Europe it has long been celebrated with a public holiday, so it was good at last to have one here.  It was also the birthday of a national hero, Sir David Attenborough, a man who would empathise with my recent book Walks on the Wild Side.

Unimportantly to anyone but me, it was also my birthday!  So, in that glorious sunshine, unable to go anywhere in the lockdown, Mo and I sat in the garden to enjoy lunch of smoked salmon and champagne, with a special supper planned for the evening.

But we didn't get that far.  Half way through the afternoon I had a medical 'blip'.  I had suffered the same thing a couple of times before over the past five years, so knew what it was.  I use the word 'suffer' but there was no suffering, no pain, just a little strangeness.  Friends say it must have been scary.  No, not scary, just a bit unsettling.  I knew what real scariness meant from the adventures related in my book.

I felt better in less than 15 minutes and as I knew what it was, and as it was a holiday weekend in the middle of this awful Covid pandemic, I phoned our surgery at the next opportunity to discuss with a doctor, who decided to arrange a hospital appointment for a check-up.  So, despite the pandemic, two days later they put me through a rigorous programme of tests.  They were incredible, kind, efficient and helpful.  Fortunately the tests all came up clear.

But what really was scary was seeing the colour coding throughout the hospital marking the levels of risk from the virus, and walking down corridors past doors to wards with large yellow warning signs saying COVID, and even 'safe area' green signs sometimes marked MAY CONTAIN COVID.  That brought me up sharp.  Yet throughout all this the NHS staff were going about their work looking relaxed, a normal day.  At one moment, when a trolley was pushed into a ward by masked porters, though still a long way off, the nurse walking with me put out a hand to hold me back.  A very poorly patient.  Very up-close and personal.  The moment when a normal member of the public, 'one of us', suddenly becomes a danger to life, 'one of them', almost like a terrorist?  Yet our nurses and doctors deal with them all day, day after day, literally working on the edge of life.  With devotion and kindness. 

I had felt that I was a distraction from their more important duties, but they were determined that I had the best care and thoroughly pursued every possible test.  In spite of everything, the NHS are still there for all of us

 In my book I often talk about the extraordinary bravery of people in very dangerous situations.  But none showed more courage than our own precious NHS staff.  How brave they are!  Having been so close to the reality, our respect for them has increased beyond measure.  We clap on Thursdays with renewed vigour.  Please honour these magnificent people!